Shajagan

fin.

2008-11-05T21:57:00.003+08:00

I can confidently say that this post of mine, will probably be the last post on Shajagan.

This blog's been with me for four years now, since I was 11. The pre-pubescent times were hell on my flat-chested little self, I swear.

But right now, I'm more than satisfied with everything in my life. There isn't a moment I want to take back, or a lesson I want to unlearn.

My family and friends have put me in the right place and there's no limit to the amount of love and gratitude I have for them.

For now, I have this amazing life to live, these opportunities to test out, brilliant people to meet and dozens of people to love and thank. There isn't a moment I'm not basking in.

And something tells me, that everything has been worth it.

P/s: Congratulations to Obama. Change change change. (:

So with all my love,
Maya

beeyotch

2008-11-04T15:34:00.002+08:00

Today was better. (No chemistry,phew.) Anyway, my sister sucks and I don't like her. Who says you have to love your family? Geez, I didn't even get to pick them, so I don't care.

And, teachers really need to get a grip of themselves. Having personal problems with students is not part of your job. You don't get a dollar an hour to do shit like that. Go feed your newborn or something.

get up!

2008-11-03T22:41:00.002+08:00

Friendship is so enormously difficult to describe. Wonder what happens when people begin to frustrate you and even when you think about their differences and how the RIGHT thing to do is to accept those differences...ignorance is just not a difference. Ignorance is a plague. It sticks up all arses and never comes out.

I guess it really takes a well-traveled man to appreciate the world and it's diversity. Being ignorant comes with staying at home with a bag of nachos and watching Mr Q's testicle series. And if one day I come across a man who can justify the act of people eating crickets and ants and lizards in certain countries, I will respect that man, no doubt. That's a true culture vulture.

So I've come to learn that of course, everyone has opinions and majority of the time we stick by those opinions. I have opinions too. But I'm never going to let those hindsight me from learning new things and never am I going to shun the things that I'm not aware of. And for those people that I have shunned and have stopped wasting my energy on, there is a very simple reason for that. I have gotten to know them, I have tried to get along with them, but it simply isn't working. Friendships are not meant to make you feel exhausted at the end of the day.

It's complicating because there's so much give and take. And because I've experienced these difficult friendships, it sort of makes things a tad bit easier to understand.

Anyway it's been an exhausting week to say the least. NOT looking forward to chemistry. Sharifah drives me absolutely nuts. Someone should ... nevermind, not going to finish that sentence. Ah well. Bridging has been pretty blank. And I'm a cat at heart, I need 18 hours of sleep. Not looking forward to my act3 performance because I'm not looking forward to the dance part. Sheeesh.

Optimism please. :D

^%&^%&^@#$%^##

2008-10-31T19:12:00.002+08:00

I'm totalllly not in the mood for anything laaaaaaaaaaaa.

act3's getting on my nerves as well.

ugh

before?

2008-10-28T23:06:00.002+08:00

I can safely say that I've never wanted anything as much as I want this! And my gosh, it's such a new realisation. No smiles, not an amazing fashion sense and I say this is the world I want. Sarcastic conversations with bulging forearms.

With a banner that runs across eye signals. Banners that read, I'm lovin' it!

Charmed by the roadside Pee-Parade

2008-10-24T20:30:00.007+08:00

We had a talk with our VP not too long ago. As our forest-consuming school calls it, a "forum". So we were asked to voice our concerns, but of course, a toothy smile from an adult with a receding hairline is not to be trusted.

I would like to interview a student with an msg of 1.0 and ask him if he/she if he/she does normal things. If it's a guy, I wonder if he watches number porn. Like 6 humping and raping 9 would be totally erotic. Maybe the girl throws darts at Barbie.

On my way to Dar's house the other day, a girl with hair sprouting from interesting places took an interest in my face! I almost died of delight, and I felt like a celebrity! I wanted to you know, toss my hair and do the usual strutting of my stuff, but the interchange never really makes you feel like a star. She was staring me like I was Picasso's death-wish painting. Anyway, Darwita was obviously jealous of my new found fame and she was trying to be all over-friendly with a complete stranger who took NO interest in her :D

And in bus 38, My Number One Fan sat at the end and slowly edged closer to us, with her bunny teeth raging a war! I was terrified, of course and Darwita was being of no help. And as my Fan was leaving the bus, she waved at me and with saliva flying right into my eyeballs she said BYE. Ah. I will never forget my brief minutes of having a creepy stalker. Darwita's kittens are adorable though, I want a kitty cat that never becomes a cat. :D

And today, Aliya, Zihan and I were blessed enough to capture a glimpse of a penis. We were minding our own business by some chinese herbal store when a trail of golden holy water was sprouting from some place. I initially thought a really obese person was letting out excess KFC oil. But no, to our extreme dismay/delight/disgust a very confident man was squatting by the stairs to pee. Confident because only a man with that much confidence would display his tiny member (emphasis:tiny) to three very hormonal and disgusted school girls.

We are now scarred for life. Tsk.

just a ride

2008-10-15T14:42:00.003+08:00

Everytime there was a masquarade of curly, dark hair over a boy's eyes, she got excited. Maybe, she thought, maybe, my time has come. Maybe, her fingers that had been over-cracked and neglected, will become nimble and will exude of the smell of varnish. Maybe, her eyes would align with another's and she'd stop feeling self-concious.

She saw those other girls in over-sized Michigan sweatshirts. But how come they always looked cute, never sloppy, like she did? There was always drool on the front of hers, there was always some mysterious stain, which she could never trace back. She wondered if her ears could smell her once, then she realised that she was afraid. Afraid of what, she didn't know.

Maybe the desolate rejects would be left with the desolate rejects. Maybe that's how they got picked. Maybe she wasn't even good enough for the desolate rejects. But who was she to say?

She perservered in some ways, for the things she thought she wanted. The boy with the black tattooed wrist and a cool hair cut. The boy who smelled of smoke and who adorned that all white uniform for about 6 years. She knew she wasn't cool enough for that boy. Her hair wouldn't go straight and pit black and her eyes wouldn't align with thick, black, eyeliner. She didn't smell of lavender and her mouth wasn't the painted ones on dolls. But the boy with the black tattooed wrist leaned towards the porcelain china doll and whispered,

"Hey, honey, come with me."

The porcelain china doll looked over to the zahara doll in all her brown, splendour and laughed just a little. It was a diverse world, after all.

"Of course, this is my game after all."

Black wrist smiled, his eyes gleaming in the moonlight.

"Your game, which I'm winning."

metamorphosis

2008-10-12T21:55:00.004+08:00

I'm desperately in need of an evolution. So why doesn't it just come to meee ): When you just don't feel comfortable, you KNOW you're in a big fat pile of shit.
evolution.evolute meee.

ANYWAY, today was good. Dropped by at mute's in the morning and laughed at cosby episodes. When I watch cosby, it just reminds me of how raunchy comedy is today. OMG, maybe I'm a perv, cos I don't entirely find his jokes funny, the way I laugh at my wife and kids and all the sex jokes in it. (sniggers. maybe sex is a big fat joke.)

After mute's place, went to CHINAAAAATOWN with chris for K-STER! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! I WENT FOR KARAOKE! I actually stuck in there with my gross voice, not bad huh. *pats back* Anyhoooo, I had stuff stuck in my braces and it actually flew out into the microphone. THIS is why (amongst other reasons) I scare people off. Flying food from my mouth. And this is when I have no food in my mouth. digression. chinatown is scary. AND there's like a chinatown in every country in the world.

that person

2008-10-11T21:18:00.004+08:00

slept over at chris' and spent the entire night talking shit, wearing over-sized jerseys and singing too-tough solos. headed to changa's after. and then citylink.

that one moment in citylink made me flummox with a million feelings. it actually made me look UP. it actually questioned my thoughts on faith.

in a brown t-shirt with orange linings, his first word was a name that i've said countless times. and that word was the loudest among all his words. the biggest coincidence of my life, so far. and that fact that of ALL the lanes in citylink, we were in the same lane, it just...sheeshkebab...i can't even explain.

truth be told

2008-10-09T22:07:00.002+08:00

there are many times when i look to check if i'm doing things the way i shouldn't be doing them or if i'm doing them because i have to. and the warped thing is that i feel like i'm doing it because i don't want to but i have to for the sake of the things i want to have. and ten i tell myself, i'm a bitch, i'm a loser and i ask myself whatthefuck i'm doing. i get jealous and tensed and angry and hurt and i start pms-ing and i won't stop and i'll maintain status bitch for about 7 days. then i'll get happy for a few moments which seem gorgeous but then start to falter as comparison never shuts up. and i weep and jump and laugh and try to decide if i'm happy or sad or if i simply can't be bothered. i want to shed shed shed, i tell myself i will shed shed shed if i get through this one big fat ugly hurdle that's tormenting me - that's killing me. i reprimand myself for being a wuss i tell myself to push on, i feel sick nauseous and gross and i'm like whatthefuck I CANT do this anymore.

just get me through this shit hole phase without any bruises . please.

new soul

2008-10-08T14:45:00.002+08:00

yael naim is the coolest artist. yes, i'm done with the booty hop for now, don't worry all. my gawd 2 more papers and we all know i'm gonna screw up POA! i think i screwed up a few already. but oh well it's over, and hell yes i'm making it to 4/4 so everyone shut up.

i'll learn and grow in my own time. though bgss keeps insisting that everyone becomes BAMBOO SHOOTS, sorry luvs, i'm a size 19? and being a bamboo shoot is a nadah-nadah for me. ew, think about all the gooey sap and all..

BABIGAIL, BABIYA AND BABIHAN, SOL is a perfectly gorgeous name so all of you shut your coin slots please! and so is TAJ and NIRVAN and TAMARA. hmmpfh. *pig face*

99 problems

2008-10-04T14:23:00.003+08:00

when people expect like 0% from you, or humiliate you, brush it off. i'm so lucky i have friends who are awesome! sometimes, yeah, i guess you feel alone and stranded, but when it comes to light, you know that you just have to keep going strong. it's all the more reason for someone to keep going at it and to have faith.

there's no way i belong in that place. and i know it. that's enough.

you know, sometimes we show our naked ass to the world, or our tits fall out of our shirts, but we get back up again. sometimes we shave our heads, sometimes we fall through pitholes (literally), sometimes people play FAKE DRUMS IN THE AIR, sometimes we have no idea what poa is about, sometimes our poa teachers show 0 interest in being nice, and yada yada...but we keep strong. there's no reason why i should curl into a ball and say "you're right!". no reason.

i know where i'm headed and what i want to do. so what if it's not the conventional type? it's a path i feel most comfortable in. i really couldn't care less about opinions right now. and as zihan ruslan says, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

the cosby show

2008-10-02T18:49:00.005+08:00

RUDY HUXTABLE!

CLIFF HUXTABLE!

CLAIRE HUXTABLE!

SONDRA HUXTABLE!

my fave! DENISE HUXTABLE!

aaaand THEODORE HUXTABLE!

spent 4 hours this afternoon watching it! and you know what, our stupid HMV's only have SEASON 2. hope they ship over the rest of the seasons soon.

stagnant

2008-09-28T21:06:00.004+08:00

i always wonder why it's never me. why i never get those moments, those picture perfect ones. either i'm seriously lacking in them, or i lost the camera somewhere along the way.

and it kills me, sedates me and throws me into the river. an invalid. and it eats me up inside, as i see other lives flourish and i see this stagnant girl staring back at me in the mirror. it's difficult. it's nothing i can make sense of anymore.

how does He pick and choose.

i no longer understand , i never did to begin with. i don't know anymore. sometimes i wonder if time will tell. sometimes i wonder if time's gonna play nice with me. sometimes. shit that, everytime.

i don't know what they consider beauty. all i know is, somehow, i'm never it.

geez

2008-09-24T16:59:00.002+08:00

It's so frustrating because you fail to see the genuineness in me. I enjoy being your friend, but I'm so disappointed that you won't and never will say the same. When I hang out with you, it's because I want to, not because I'm making use of you and I have no other friends. For one, I really don't mind being alone if there's no one I know around. Of course I'd prefer company, but if I'm really and truly in the middle of a sea of strangers, I'd be alone, and I have no problem with that. So just because I speak to you sometimes and sometimes I'm speaking to others, it so doesn't mean I'm making use of you. I mean, is there some sort of written rule somewhere that says I have to be conjoined to one person 24/7? I think this has everything to do with your immaturity. Why can't people just...understand that I speak to you because I WANT to speak to you and because I'm genuinely interested in hearing what you have to say? Why do I always have to have some 'ulterior motive' for talking to someone?

Everybody's excuse for disliking someone is this : "She made use of me, lah." GOD get over yourself already. What's there to make use of? I've learned never to say the same, because I do honestly feel that I have great friends around me who don't make use of me. And in the future if I do fall out with someone, that's never going to be my excuse. Because as far as I'm concerned, if someone doesn't do these things:

1) Excessively use your credit card
2) Stay at your house all day
3) Eat all the food in your house
4)Take stuff from your house without asking
5)Hang out with you just to get to your bf/gf
6)Hang out with you just to get to your siblings (ew)

THEN he/she isn't making use of you. Well, this is my theory, so it goes for me.

2008-09-23T20:40:00.000+08:00

Tsk

2008-09-22T18:50:00.002+08:00

Omg. I've finally seen the down-side of never paying attention in class and slacking away and dying and sleeping when teachers are talking. I now know.

I would do anything to see the light next year as a 2009 sec 4 express student ): pretty puhlease. Gosh, why didn't I just do my damn homework. What the hell was I doing this whole year!?

Sorry Mr. Vincent NG for being like the last in class for P.O.A and dying during your lessons. I have learnt my lesson.

Haiyah. Die.

thick-witted, dumb, doltish, dimwit

2008-09-21T16:06:00.003+08:00

So, I'm stupid because I'm not good with numbers, because I can't seem to balance accounts, because I can't seem to calculate the number of moles in a whats-it.

But you see, no one sees my competent ability to do other things. For here, in this holy land, Singapore, you have to be able to hail the mathematical geniuses to prove your worth. For here in Singapore, spewing singlish and spitting on the ground is OKAY (forget the fines)- as long as you can find the square root of 2384729847 in the blink of an eye.

Your passion must be of computers and ps3's, you must love the feel of punching calculators, you must suck up to your teachers and you must shout your answer across the classroom even though you weren't asked to do so. Forget your tact, discard your manners, for if you are mathematical maple-loving genius, Singapore loves you.

When your friend asks if she can have a piece of foolscap, say, "No, I need it to do my homework." and then continue to wipe your nose with the sleeve of your uniform. Aim to be on the bus-stop advert with a bottle of chicken brand essence. Spew vulgarities when someone beats you in a subject, cry if you must, and vow to kill that someone.

When your teacher flashes everyone's marks on the projector screen, immediately check if you're the highest in class and after you do find out, wave your arms in the air and scream YES. Immediately after, check to see who the lowest is. Look at the person to analyze his/her reaction to his/her atrocious failure. Silently scorn, do a few tut-tuts and say, "Never study liao. Serves you right." before you proceed to tell everyone who the lowest is.

When your teacher yells at the class for being dumb and tells everyone that they're destined for failure, single yourself out. Protest! Say, "Yah everyone's dumb. But not meeee!"

Oh and when your friend needs help, say no. Or spew rubbish to pretend like you're helping your friend. Or if your friend asks you a question say, "Huh? You don't know that?" And laugh.

And if you get awesome marks, walk around the whole class asking everyone for their marks so that they can ask for yours and you can boast. And when your friend says, "Shit, I got 30." Say, "Wahlow, better than me, I got 75!" And proceed to fake-cry.

There you go. A kick-ass list that will guarantee you a place in today's society.

Have a great day.

edit./

Why does life play such sordid games?

How does this guy's writing burn through the screen of some 15 year old's computer so boldly? I keep asking myself this question. God knows where this guy is, somewhere in Barcelona. And yet I am completely at awe of the way these words compel me. These words which are supposed to mean nothing to me, draw me and drop me.

They draw me in. Yet I know with all my heart that this is false for now. It will only become my truth in a few years. And in a few years, I won't be this smitten fifteen year old anymore.

to H;

2008-09-17T20:09:00.001+08:00

If you keep trying to read between the lines, you are watching my lips but not even for a moment are you listening to what I'm saying.

poodle's day out

2008-09-15T22:18:00.002+08:00

i was thinking just how cool it would be if i could have a different route to school, for once. i'm sick of going to bedok interchange and getting on 222 or 14. it's so annoyingly mundane. i bet my change will become mundane after a while, but oh well. i want to take buses to the city and maybe take the mrt to school. i want to see how the trains look like in the morning. believe me, i haven't seen the inside of a train any earlier than 1.

sheeeeshkebab, i drank frappucino about 10 minutes ago. BIG mistake. i feel alert now and that's a terrible thing to feel at like 10.20 pm. nevermind i'll use it to digest bio.

i'm starting to love the idea of school ending in about a little over a MONTH. a month baby. i don't hate school or anything, i'm just tired of the constant smell of paper. i want to smell new things! like the liberating aroma of elephant dung.

:D on a high note, i'm feeling goooooood -twirls

what hate?

2008-09-14T20:35:00.002+08:00

I had a bitter enemy,
His heart to hate he gave,
And when I died he swore that he
Would dance upon my grave;
That he would leap and laugh because
A livid corpse was I,
And that’s the reason why I was
In no great haste to die.

And then - such is the quirk of fate,
One day with joy I read,
Despite his vitalizing hate
My enemy was dead.
Maybe the poison in his heart
Had helped to haste his doom:
He was not spared till I depart
To spit upon my tomb.

The other day I chanced to go
To where he lies alone.
‘Tis easy to forgive a foe
When he is dead and gone. . . .
Poor devil! Now his day is done,
(Though bright it was and brave,)
Yet I am happy there is none
To dance upon my grave.

this is just such a war of words, a vital pull from left to right. OKAY, back to studying :)

S+2

2008-09-07T15:44:00.001+08:00

how is one supposed to look?

how is one supposed to behave?

tell me so i can show you how to stop setting these guidelines.

hm.

2008-09-05T18:39:00.003+08:00

I wonder if people of mixed heritage stand in front of the mirror, constantly trying to figure out which parent gave them which features. I'm sure non-mixed people do that too, but it's a whole less complicating. As of now, I have come to the realisation that I can no longer ask someone of mixed heritage where exactly they come from. I never get an answer.

"So you're...X?"
"Hm, actually, I'm one quarter Y, one fifth Z and maybe a teeny weeny little bit of A."
-cough.

I no longer intend to ask that question. I shall assume from now on. God knows, maybe I'm a descendant of the great heavenly amoebas that live within my nostrils. Ah, no, I'm only a quarter amoeba. You can tell by the blacks strands that fall from my head.

the best man

2008-09-04T19:10:00.003+08:00

the movie was awesome. they really need to put more all-black casts out there. it's like a breath of fresh air, a new perspective. i'm sorry, but i'm sick of the usual single white woman living in new york. i just loved this movie! pure gold. and terence howard is just gorgeous. black man + green eyes = aaah! i don't know where he got those eyes, but that lucky bastard has them.

sorry for the superficial post :D but i needed to rant!

euphoria

2008-09-03T19:14:00.001+08:00

great day. been studying my ass off, but great day.

beau

2008-09-02T17:47:00.002+08:00

it was gorgeous. this turquoise-lit butterfly flew past me. and i swear, it actually stopped mid-air. one more sight i'm glad i've experienced.

bye bye d'cruz.

2008-08-31T12:07:00.002+08:00

got M.I.A's kala album. the tracks are alright i guess, very LOUD and african.

on a sad note, the closest cousin i've ever had is leaving.
it's pretty crappy, considering that most of my extended family isn't here.
and now, she's leaving too.
but i'll be supportive, char!
because you've been a sister, a mentor, a great listener and everything else to me.
i love you and i hope you have an amazing time there.
and i hope you meet exciting new people and cherish the exoticness of the entire place.
and stay away from tequilas ;D

sunshowers

2008-08-29T17:24:00.003+08:00

over and it was good. yay!

Sunshowers that fall on my troubles
Are over you, My baby
And Some Showers I'll be aiming at you
Cause I'm watching you, My baby

i love M.I.A !

fly like paper get high like planes

mindshap

2008-08-25T20:09:00.002+08:00

i'm disappointed with myself. it would be weird to be disappointed in you.

i shouldn't have been upset, after everything that has happened.
i should have known what to expect.
all those times my friends told me that you weren't worth it,
i should have listened.
i shouldn't have worried about what you would have thought of me.

do you know how you had me eating out of the palm of your hand?
do you know just how anxious i was to talk to you?
every single time, i was there, replying you, expecting to talk to you,
trying to please you.

every single time.

i should have known you weren't worth a single second.
i should have known better.

my feelings don't have an on and off button.
i thought you would've known that.

ziplock

2008-08-24T10:28:00.002+08:00

i need more hours in a day! desperately so.

like 48 hours would be perfect, i could do everything in 24 and then sleep for 24 hours. perfect right? maybe if i took saturday+sunday as ONE day. so i do everything on saturday and sleep for the entire sunday. okay...nevermind.

my tremendous load of schoolwork has not been touched, caressed or even glanced at. i'm sorry i've been neglecting you but, hey, we never were meant to be. especially you, math. and mind you, i set the record for not even handing in a single piece of work , except for english or lit, for the entire year. ah, this shall be a fond memory someday.

i dreamt last night that zihan had a birthday party and i forgot her name, so i couldn't introduce her to my mystery friend. lo and behold, she got upset and told me i couldn't eat the food there, so i went outside and bought chocolate biscuits and ate them myself.

why? i don't know.

perhaps, perhaps.

2008-08-21T19:47:00.003+08:00

Amazing timing, spot on.

I'd say disinterest is subjective. One person's view of disinterest may be a cold stare, while another person's view would be incessant chatter but vile comments afterwards. I don't know which view I would prefer. A cold stare is definitely more straight-forward, but vile comments, definitely less obvious. Whatever. Either way, disinterest disinterests me. I couldn't care less. I honestly do not care if you think that you're too cool to spend a morsel of your time with me, or that my conversational skills are too intertwining. I hope you find conversations about polky sticks, breasts and body odor a lot more fulfilling :D

I read somewhere. Okay Manasa'll know. I read Bungle's post about this (this, referring to this moment in life) as a moment of transience only. At this point, Stacie Orrico's "more to life" song pops up in my head and I feel only slightly nauseous, because I'm forced to remember her ugly blue/purple hair in the video. Well at least the song was good. And relevant. But, I want to know, is every moment in life transient? Even the good moments? Like the moments we want forever?

I guess transience is never a solid good or a solid bad thing. It's just a thing. And moments are just moments. Memory, remembrance. That's all there is to actually differentiating the good moments from the bad. So let me make things totally convenient and let me develop something I call SELECTIVE AMNESIA. I shall remember the good and shove out the bad. Not exactly healthy, I guess. But totally helpful.

But right now, more than ever in my life, I hope that this moment is a transient moment. And that when I wake up from deep sleep, a couple of weeks from now, or slightly more than a month from now, I'll feel way less nauseous.

--

and by the way, please stop the whole fake-shit act.
if you're not INTERESTED in listening to ME, THEN DON'T !
and aren't i making life easier for you by not talking at all?
how easy can that get right?

--

anyway, a big thank you to zihan.
and richson (-.-) and aliya!
i know i freaked out at that particular moment, but yeah, thanks for
not running away and eating potong ice-cream.
thank you for making lame jokes in the bus too.

right, so i'm feel quite inspired to understand POA.
my new tutor's coming in an hour.
hope she's nice and that she makes sense.

and i just watched 'he loves me, he loves me not'
it's a french film and it's freakaye!
it's about this obsessive girl running after her
cardiologist love-interest who looks like daniel craig! not hot please!
so yeah then it kind of gets super crazy and she does weird things
like stare into his window when he's home having sex with his wife.

freaky? VERY! haiyo.
then everybody should just be butt-ugly
so we don't get psycho stalkers!

ok it's all about PROS AND CONS!

465

2008-08-19T20:51:00.002+08:00

biology is quite mundane. and i'm actually drooling on my book because i'm hungry. yes, i get hungry. but that's only after i eat which just makes me greedy, right?

honestly, i don't get it when TCL keeps asking us to "behave in proper conduct". um, first of all, behaving=behaving. you don't have to add an extra "proper conduct" there to prove your ass-worthy point. and it makes me snort my mucus out when i hear him try to sound highly intellectual, only to realise that his sentences are always disarranged. for example.

"you are to take this into consideration. by not taking consideration you will end up facing consequences that are grave." and then you see his grim lips form a thin line. and then he walks away. he looks like an orange juice advocate sometimes. anyway, in no way am i trying to poke upon his wonderful grammar. i'm just doing this for some self-amusement. for yes, i love my dm you see. -_-

and fer'heaven's sake, i'm tired already! stupid biceps, triceps. all should go away. the world should become a fat nation with fatties and no one should be hot - that is the cure to my ever-growing self pity! and PIMPLES attack the SAME PLACE AGAIN AND AGAIN! you stupid pimples, go away, for there is no love from me or my face!

*swats vigorously*

gorgeous

2008-08-19T14:39:00.000+08:00

i can only say

my freaking gosh.

martyr

2008-08-15T21:56:00.002+08:00

just to read your blog, i need a dictionary next to me almost the whole time. no, i don't feel stupid. i just feel ... like you're in a whole other planet, actually.

i'm confused here. i really want to go to junior college, to get a new look at things. i'm sick of taking things easy. heck, i've been doing that all my life. i want the overwhelming stress, the constant involvement in work, i want to focus on things that matter. to sum things up, i want to be absorbed in things other than boys.

it's just killing me. but yeah, i guess i'm like every normal teenage girl out there. it's not abnormal. but it's just, sickening.

but people around me say, i should be doing something i love. arts, theatre, colourful lights, bam, boom. yeah sure. i don't know. i feel...i feeeeeeeeel so..

i can't even think of words to describe this stupid feeling. i don't know what i want. am i supposed to, at this point?

i guess there's this thrill that comes from being in an elite school. and there's this thrill that comes from being a creative genius. there's a thrill from both

i don't know which gives the best thrill of all. i don't know! that's killing me

sheeshkebab. i wanna just have my decisions made up for me.

Threshold

2008-08-10T12:21:00.002+08:00

People have got to understand, that after a certain incident I've gone through - I'm tough to crack. I refuse to let words, nevermind ones that aren't even spoken, to phase me.

If I do, the chances of me showing a fraction of my frustration are zero. So who ever wants to see a show, I'm quite sorry. You won't.

Keep saying that I'm not good enough. (: Go on!

Try all you want until your stupid thick head understands that. :D Just letting you lovely people know. Thank you and have a nice evening.

pretty ricky

2008-08-09T13:45:00.002+08:00

last night was pretty awesome. i had a boring time watching the olympics though. the first thirty minutes of the entire thing was okay, but then i started to get restless. oh my gosh, the african americans from the US team are so (: . you shall complete that sentence. i just wanted to scream! [:

anyway my cousins have gone for this salsa dance class thingy, i wanted to go, but heck, it's only for the 18 and aboves. it's pretty cool though, the place. i can't wait to turn 18 ):

i'm so bored! help!

wait, this is a testimony

2008-08-02T18:36:00.002+08:00

When things get overwhelmingly complicated, simplify, simplify, simplify.

the bomb

2008-07-29T16:58:00.002+08:00

tamil class was damn fun today, omg. hameed finally returned after like two months and the witch woman is gooone!

i love tamil class. though technically there are like 4 boys and 3 never come and everyone else is highly detached from class, it's getting better. i always notice when it's time for the sec 4's and 5's to graduate, it feels peculiar because everyone is awkward and knows that they'll miss everyone, but they've been too detached to admit it. i know i'll miss tamil class when i leave. i only have less than a year left to waddle in it's misery.

anyway. i've realised that maybe people from elite schools and institutions may not be as smart as they seem.

maya says:
this year the sec 4’s and 5’s have alota extra stuff going on for them

the gingerbread man says:
sec 5’s…you mean, the teachers?

maya says:
no, i mean the students. secondary 5 students, normal academic.

the gingerbread man says:
um they hold people back for so long?!

the gingerbread man says:
torture.

maya says:
it’s only an extra year.

the gingerbread man says:
i could become CEO in a year.

talk about HOT AIR.

CEO? yeah right. maybe CERTAINLY EXTRA OBNOXIOUS.

to the point of extreme anxiety

2008-07-28T17:55:00.002+08:00

i feel so overwhelmed right now. how come life can't just come to a standstill and why can't i just - for ONE DAY- be whisked away on a fairy train, with an ample supply of chocolates and marshmallows?

something in my head keeps telling me that i'm not alone. but how come, ultimately, i feel that i am? though technically i'm in this world with billions of other people, i feel alone. not lonely, that's different. i just feel alone. like a singular floating particle, with no attachments to me. yes, i do have my family for now, but they won't last forever, right?

right now i'm so anxious. i keep thinking i screwed up my cca points, i keep thinking about "what if, what if". i'm furious at the fact that i keep screwing up my tests. i'm upset at the thought of coming across someone so alike me, but being pushed away. i am disappointed at myself for being a horrible daughter. i feel like i'm floating - not ever part of something. never attached to any other particle. just a solitary object.

for once maybe i'd like a change. a little opening, someone with open arms, maybe a smiling face. maybe for once i don't have to try so hard. but then i realise, yes, i'm not alone in this struggle. but the peculiar thing is - while everyone is struggling for this "acceptance", they are, at the same time, pushing the struggler away. which then turns into another vicious cycle.

it just really puzzles me. really.

there's also never any progression in relationships or friendships. it's always stationary, at least to me. you can do absolutely anything - maybe something exceptionally extraordinary - and yet, that might go totally unnoticed.

or maybe i'm being pessimistic here. i don't know.

i just really want to feel that amazing moment of bliss that i will regret losing. that i will want to have forever, yet will never have forever.

it's so hard to put into words. yet i yearn for it so much. yet i can't let go of this humongous anxiety and anger and frustration that's been bottled up in me. i'm ready to let go of it all.

beautiful poem

2008-07-27T17:56:00.003+08:00

last night i was feeling pretty low about my sting - but my cousin tania and the long gone hippie ramesh turned up for dinner and it was much better. guess what? i tried anchovies for once, and they DO stink like they say in the movies, but it was okay, there was chicken pizza to compensate for the disgusting taste and smell.

after dinner, ramesh brought tania and i down to south campoten. it's like this little boat peep stay. you actually get to rent a stay-along boat which has paintings on it and you can get your own big bucket of paint to paint stuff on the boat. it was really pretty. i saw this one verse on the boat which someone painted on the 29th of april 2004.

"still i rise"

i kept chanting it for some reason and then ram told me that it was actually a verse by MAYA ANGELOU. which made me leap with a little joy. my namesake.

so i searched up the verse this morning on google and i found the poem and it made me lose my breath for a little while.

and it's such a coincidence isn't it? anyway..

there was a wishing well too. and i made wishes for most of my friends. for the enam family, for zihan, meeta, aliya, sharifah, taahira, christina, natasha, of course ram and tans, my family. i spent a good half hour there trying to get everything right. so i do hope that i did. (:

i'm glad i went yesterday. but my sting really hurts, my lips are out and about and puffed and peeling and my skin..oh god..i HOPE it doesn't get worse, because yes, it is humiliating.

when you see someone on the street and say "hey that's my soulmate"

2008-07-26T21:55:00.003+08:00

it's funny when you feel so insignificant when you're with a certain group of people.

yet when you're with another group of people, you feel so alive and accepted.

anyway. obs was tiring to the max. and as a result of not drinking enough water, my face is peeling off and is becoming weird. i am now the modern day version of jekyl and hyde. so there. and bees are evil.

and there you have it. i have given up on playing mind games, like counting to 30 seconds and telling myself that the next bee i see will NOT sting me. because it doesn't work. and it makes me seem so damn crazy.

no more "MIND games" please. and for some reason i feel like snuggling up in a blanket that smells familiar. i don't know what familiar smells smell like, but yeah, i just feel like it.

fuck you

2008-07-19T20:53:00.002+08:00

what? so i'm not good enough.
GOD just tell me that to my face already.
stop stringing me along, stop confusing me.
stop thinking lowly of me- what? do i look like a damn rodent to you?
what, just cos i am who i am. j
just because i happen to have the skin i have, the hair i have, the eyes i have.
just because i don't look like you.
just because i don't look like her.

stop pushing words around.
stop acting so damn nonchalant all the time,
stop making me feel so lowly.
stop saying all these things about yourself to elevate whatever.
stop enraging me.
stop instilling this fury in me,
i don't deserve it.
not even close.

i don't see a problem in being who i am.
and if you can't appreciate it then, fuck you.
who cares.
i did, but now i don't WANT to.
i don't want to care anymore.
i'm not her, i never WILL BE HER.
i never will be close.
i wont.
so there, wallow in your ecstasy.

i don't have the family you have.
i don't have the same people you have around you.
i don't.
and sometimes that makes me want to cry.

but i really don't give a fuck anymore.
i don't want to give a fuck.
do you know how sick i am ?
i keep putting myself on the line.
and you don't even know.

so i'm not going to try and do this "right".
if you want to, you can talk to me.
if you don't, then don't.
don't expect me to make the first move here.
i'm sick of doing things that make me look stupid.
cos i'm smarter than this.
i'm smart enough to know what i deserve.

and yeah, you feel you're out of my league.
i'm sure you feel superior.
go dance around in it.
go enjoy it.
go twirl about in your superiority of a multi-national ethnicity.
whereas i'm just LOWLY you see.
just a person you step on.

just a person who blends in the background.

i hope

2008-07-15T21:48:00.002+08:00

well there you have it, to all you 2348203482498 beings out there who may or may not know me - i have thus far had my worst unnerving moment ever - and ross from friends just said GARY poppins. like wtf.

anyway, i blubbered for a bit just to get rid of the salty waves within me and then i went back to my disgusting chemistry for the rest of the evening.

i feel like i'm going to die in OBS, i swear. i don't even know what possessed me to sign up. perhaps zihan's evil inner demon decided to pay me a visit. but yes, how am i going to survive in OBS? and believe it or not, i'm pretty guilty about missing a week of school. i'm scared of what i'll miss and most of all - i won't be able to catch up then.

anyway, to all you smart souls out there. i am so jealous of you and your computerized brains. but perhaps we shall meet in budapest at the festival of arts, where i'll be happily swooning at the kissing birds.

because frankly right now, i'm OUT of my mind. completely. out. of. it.

on the pluse of my new morning

2008-07-12T17:35:00.002+08:00

you are. i cannot add anything else to those two words, because they are strong enough to make a sentence on their own. you are.

you are, you are, you are.

i cannot go further due to my current state of ecstatic delusion. i'm so intrigued by everything that your intelligence tells me of you. or perhaps i am merely just intrigued by your intelligence, though i have not come across your intelligence - except for that one portrayal of it, a long time ago. i am lost for words, truly.

and the way you place your words out, like little plates on a porch, with delicate care - i cannot explain how that drives me insane (in a good way). so i shall not explain.

but i'm so apt right now. i'm going to squeeze all this exuberance into my homework . and maybe you'll explain the evolution of the waltz in careful point forms, just to prove my point.

love of beauty

2008-07-06T14:49:00.002+08:00

i feel so at peace. finally it's over. that day i was so worried about. finally.

you have finally left me - thoughts of you have stopped torturing me. I am free of all sickening draggy thoughts (: at long fucking last.

the perception of anyone's beauty is a moral test. and you, my dear .. schoolmate, have failed that test.

rarething

2008-06-27T16:19:00.004+08:00

it's a rare thing to find someone so completely absorbed with you and your feelings. to actually feel the notion of someone calling you up to ask you if you're okay.

so if you have such a blessing, such a blessing of bliss, why abuse it? he totally cares for you, and no doubt, this is the first relationship for both of you, it's a secondary school relationship, but why abuse it? why tell everyone that he's not worth your time?

it makes me feel odd. there are a lot of things people are blessed with. food, shelter, a family, peace. and then there's that first love. why shouldn't it be a blessing? even if it screws up, or even if he ends up being a jerk, it was something wasn't it?

it makes me so sad. when i look at some of my friends who actually have this beautiful thing and find the heart to throw it away just to save their popularity, it just tugs at me. i wonder why such people have that privilege sometimes.

Poopedy Poop

2008-06-23T11:32:00.002+08:00

It’s harder than it looks! Copy and paste to your own journal, erase my answers, and add your own.Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real places, names &/or objects, but nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person you got this from has the same 1st initial. You CAN’T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

Hi, I’m Maya.
1) 4 LETTER WORD: Mope.
2) BOY NAME: Muendo Banana
3) GIRL NAME: Mandy Tanalot
4) OCCUPATION: Mailperson. I am not sexist.
5) A COLOR: Magenta.
6) SOMETHING YOU WEAR: Mask (I don't exactly wear this, unless you consider eyemasks.)
7) BEVERAGE: Mountain Dew. eeew.
8)FOOD: Macaroni.
9) SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM: Mascara, i think...if that's what that bottle is.
10) A PLACE: Manhattan?
11) REASON FOR BEING LATE: Making out with intelligent men from mars.
12) SOMETHING YOU SHOUT: Mambooo. Only when i feel like it.

Okay, so that was purely for entertainment purposes. For yours or mine, i don't care. I really want to emcee for youthday. BUT, i am petrified.

God knows why i let fear get in the way - but i do! ALL the time. just shoot me.

HAHA

2008-06-15T23:04:00.003+08:00

oh my god! i have so much to blog about but i'm daaamn lazy. i'll post the pictures of today and our WILD WILD WET outing tomorrow, because like i said, I'M DAMN LAZY. i'm just wasting my life listening to baby bash and lil' wayne! so yeah, today i went to woodlands and actually spent 7 hours there with the wonderful (hey, i mean it ok!) company of zohan, aliya, dars and shahirah. so the 7 hours passed super duperdy fast and we helped little kids with their puppets. now i feel like such a social worker, cheese knows why.

am i the only one that thinks that maroon 5 and rihanna make a GROSS combination? uh.

i digress.

and then i went down to newton to meet the act3 bunch. OH MY GOD, everyone's changed. kiran! JUSTIN! i didn't recognise him for a moment. pictures up tomorrow if i'm lucky to get my hands on any. samira shah and i have the same coloured braces. i miss her sooo much. and her sister is damn good and french plaits and apparently does them HERSELF. HOW do you do it yourself? i'm so slow.

eeeeew. rihanna and maroon 5! eeeew. dies.

okay so this was a pretty much pointless post. :D

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY.

my father never fails to make me laugh.
and even when he's angry, he makes me laugh.
his name makes me laugh cos it's super long!
i don't know, there's never a mean aura about him.
he's never angry for more than like a day.
and i'll always appreciate the random facts he tells me about
atm machines or some 50th president of the US or whales or swimming pools.
always.

and there's definitely a huge generation gap between us, more than most fathers,
but he still understands me, or at least tries, no doubt.
i get pissed off at my parents real easily, but then i think of the things they've
done and i feel like a little byotch.
and if my dad never put education as a first priority, i doubt i would have.
my dad's there to remind of all the things
i CANNOT do myself.
and whatever it is i want to do in the future, there's not a doubt in my
mind he'll support me.

i take him for granted at the best of times and i shouldn't.
he's done alot. for all three of us.
he may not be the hippest dad out there, he definitely isn't going to
jump into a pair o'jeans anytime soon.
my dad isn't the coolest outta the lot.
but if there's anything my dad is, he's a kind soul.
and i love you for that :D

we started nothing

2008-06-06T18:06:00.002+08:00

it feels awesome, exhilarating, liberating, great, peaceful, orgasmic even...it feels ALL THESE THINGS to finally not care what anyone thinks.

it feels so free! so pretty, so colourful, (well i am aware these are things that can't be felt) but it does feel colourful. i feel like i'm looking at things through a kaleidoscope where everything is connected in the middle and is going round and round in circles.

everything looks so new. why? i have no idea. it just happened.

baby bash

2008-06-06T12:04:00.002+08:00

AAH. i'm having my groupie moment right now. i've been listening to BabyBash for some reason, it's so out of my taste, but i have. and the song 'cyclone' is just typical sexist crap, but I LOVE IT. this is so unlike me! i have been possessed. it's not like i agree with the lyrics, but it's such a dance track. the kind of song you dont even have to dance to, just bop to. it's a pretty song.

my cousins are ambushing meee. JURONG BIRD PARK!!?? who wants to go there. spare me the torture please? the last time i was there , the stupid parakeet clawed my hairy ass. bad memories.

i have something for caps.

i have a friend

2008-06-03T13:31:00.002+08:00

i have a friend
who doesn't give a damn
i have a friend
who walked when i ran
i have a friend
who never cares
i have a friend
who gives me blank stares
i have a friend
who dismisses my feelings
i have a friend
who finds some joy in stealing
i have a friend
with such a fake smile
i have a friend

wait...do i have that friend?

i really wonder.

sometimes i wonder if you're just my friend because you think you have to be, not because you want to be. do you know how it feels? to just talk and talk and talk and tell you stuff but you hardly ever say anything back. i feel like i'm talking to myself half the time.

you can never tell how much you mean to a person, sometimes you wonder if you mean anything at all.

friendships are so pretentious sometimes.

"i'll just need friends when i'm in school and after i leave, i won't need them."
remember that?

so fucking pretentious.

quest

2008-06-02T19:08:00.003+08:00

what does one do in her quest to make her increasingly boring life more exciting? i swear. my life, so far, my very short one, has been utterly uneventful and yawn worthy. i've done nothing worth mentioning and i feel like i want to burn elephant dung and stick it on a rod and yell at everyone! i am just bored. nothing has been happening! nothing HAS. ohmygod.

and guys, wow. some are just the meanest creatures alive. well i would say mean is an understatement. either they're mean or bored. hey, I'M bored, but you don't see me walking around and shoving hotdogs at people, or burping the alphabet or....you get my drift.

let me just tell you this mister, if there's one thing you haven't learned yet, it's that not all decisions are made by the dick, okay? sometimes you actually have to use your brain. it's the meaty little gadget up in your head, under all your pretty hair.

hope i gave you some insight on that.

okay other than being insulted, nothing else has happened. and i'm fucking bored! i want a NYC life right now. i wonder if they come in little packets like instant noodles. just add a little water.

sleeping to dream

2008-05-30T19:00:00.003+08:00

sometimes there's this undetectable presence in people and i appreciate every one of those undetectable presences. and sometimes it just lacks and i have no patience to entertain the person. there's this thing called compassion. compassion for family, friends..even strangers.

sometimes you can't tell whether you've captured the presence or compassion. you just can't. even a stranger can hurt your feelings, someone you have no relative contact with.

so it's really hard to tell if you're on the same page. people just don't express feelings like they used to.

mnmz

2008-05-28T19:07:00.005+08:00

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

I've been tagged by ZIHAN RUSLAN (who has like no life, obviously.)

#1 If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

I would:

Talk to whichever available friend for days and drive him/her crazy. I'll analyse WHY my "lover" betrayed me and then go over it again and then cry for maybe 6 months and then eventually, after I've found a suitable distraction, get over it. And still be grudgingly pissed off.

#2 If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

I'm really not sure at this point.

#3 What will your dream wedding be like?

It'll be in TURKEY, I'm telling you now! I'll have a lifetime's supply of kebabs, so all of you can just pig your way out. My husband may or may not be there. But it's okay, if there's no groom, you guys can still have the kebabs.

#4 What would you do with a billion dollars?

I'd donate, the least i can do. And i'd be bored with like a billion dollars. 9 ZEROS, that's alot. I'd be all glam and give my parents money and then i'd go buy my way into hollywood and terrorize everyone with ugly fake gucci dresses from bangkok. gossip blogs will soooo be writing about me.

#5 What's your ideal lover like?

There's really no IDEAL, there are only standards. Though, human would be very nice.

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

I don't know, haven't tried either out.

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

waiting around is just insane. get a grip and move on. i'm sure there are other people out there in a sea of 6 billion. and don't give me the you're the only one crap. SIX BILLION. LESBIAN, GAY, HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE. go choose!

#8 If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
keep it a secret and be bitchy about the girlfriend.

#9 Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
my eyelids?

#10 How do you see yourself in ten years time?
fulfilled.

#11 Who is currently the most important people to you?
my family and my friends.

#12 What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Charming at the best of times. Minus the farts and burps.

#13 Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?

Single and rich, cos i'd be one fucking feminist icon. And besides, i think it'd be a big bruise to my husband's ego if he was bringing in a single digit salary, so i'll spare him the shame.

#14 What's the first thing you do every morning?

Check my clock and swear.

#15 Would you give all in a relationship?

What's your definition of all? Organ donation?

#16 If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?

I'd say bye to both and move to Alaska.

#17 What type of friends do you like?

I like friends who are actually friends.

I shan't sabotage anyone else ! GOOD DAY.

gorgeous

2008-05-21T20:32:00.002+08:00

i think people are the most beautiful and the most themselves when they are asleep. like they've revisited their infancy and are floating in it for a bit, untouchable. it's so pretty, i wish i could watch people. but then i'd be called a psycho scary bitch, so i'll just wait for a tolerable man to let me do that.

my father keeps urging me to write more and to send stuff into competitions like i used to. i want to, but something's holding me back. i know i haven't written as much as before. not because of distaste or boredom, like i had with piano, but more of the lack of events taking place in my life right now. no inspiration. but that is bullshit, you know. i do have alot happening in my life, but if i do put it out there, i'm afraid of critique. shit, that's not the way it's supposed to be, is it?

potential. this is the word i keep hearing. yes, i do have potential. and yes, i have been letting unimportant things get in the way. ever heard of crossroads? well if i'm having one now, at 15, then heck yeah. potential is going to be shot across the highest boundary. i feel inspired to grow, but i feel scared too. i feel like i regret things like quitting piano instead of sticking to it. but when i think about it, i'd rather to something i love, then stick around just to please everyone else. i'm scared to have regrets, so i want to do things right from this point. but you know, i also want to avoid the whole OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER thing. perfectionists really scare me. but the twisted thing is , they inspire me to become a bit more organised and cut off just before becoming a perfectionist.

i'm just waiting for friday to come. to hear that last bell, to go home, to sit down and think for a while.

dudum

2008-05-20T19:40:00.002+08:00

today was actually alright. i forced 2 litres of water into myself, finally. but then i downed a fish cutlet, so that sort of ruined my efforts. it's ok, one step at a time!

i will be missing the apparently most vital three days of my secondary 3 year. my camp D: but shit, i have my performance on that day. and im really not keen on going to camp on the next day, alone. i don't know, i feel bad about missing it. but then again, i'm sure it'll be fun and people will definitely bond. but i mean - i don't think i'll be some outcast just cause i don't go. why is it that people can only build friendships in the jungle outskirts or something? what's wrong with the class? my big question for everyone.

ok today there was this teenage couple from ngee ann secondary school who were canoodling very innocently. it wasn't raunchy or anything (i've seen worse). so it was all very innocent. and then this apek comes along and stares at them up and down up and down and mutters swear words in chinese (I HEARD KANINA! OMG! :D ) then he stands there for like 2 minutes, glaring at them. and then he took out his can of beans and threw it near them.

two words

NO LIFE

track

2008-05-15T16:09:00.002+08:00

this is the thing, i can't keep thinking you're a modern classic or an expensive replica of Picasso's work. because you're not. and above everything, i've given this all i have. maybe you've gotten so annoyed at me, but hey, i really don't give a flying fuck what you may think of me right now. i've got this life to live, to make it mine, to own it, and there's no way in hell i'm going to let you ruin this. i'm not blaming you, because it's my fault for letting myself go crazy for a bit. it definitely is my fault for not focusing on the things i should have been focusing on. there isn't any part of me that thinks this is your fault , but what i'm trying to say here is, don't you ever think you're superior or any better than me. the very fact that you've gone through this before (i know you have.) makes you just like me. so for you to sneer or scoff, please, you're in no position to do so.

listen to your friend, whoever you want to listen to, make judgements, make faces. you're almost 18 for god's sake, why not act like it? didn't i stop all my crap a long time back? so why are you aggravating the situation, i just don't get it.

for the last time, i'm not a sappy baby here. i'm not upset, i'm not angry, i'm not annoyed. i'm just at the least, very disappointed with myself. this really isn't about you anymore - so. bye.

truth is, i would never tell you all these things. let's just hope you're fucking telepathic hat allows you to receive all my brainwave information.

i've got my friends who have my best interest at heart- all around me. they've helped me through this and i'm going to get out of this, unscathed.

on a poopy note, i'm sick. sore throat, fever, the whole lot. still have to run off to school tomorrow for the effing maths and science junk. i need sleep. desperately. if only my throat didn't feel like there's a furball wedged right in the middle.

and i do apologise for my three sentence posts lately. i've not been feeling particularly wordy.

juno

2008-05-14T21:02:00.002+08:00

i feel so inspired today.

the right person's going to think the sun shines out of your ass.
now, that's the person worth sticking with.

always looking out

2008-05-12T21:02:00.003+08:00

happy birthday ma (:

you know i love you , despite my temper tantrums, my loud voice, my annoying complaints.

i love you for everything you've done, all the times you've talked me through (awkwardly, but still) all the crap i told you, for all the great food, for all the outfit coordinations.

you're one of the constants in my life and for that, i thank you.

in an unscripted pool

2008-05-09T13:07:00.002+08:00

in an unscripted pool of undefined misery of neverending punchlines

with envy for the solid ground

2008-05-06T19:04:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry.

it's my fault and i take all responsibility.

i'll try harder next time, this time, i promise.

jibber

2008-04-21T21:44:00.003+08:00

i feel quite fine now, to be honest. I do feel slightly bad about things i've said or done, but it's not much damage. for now, whatever repercussions i get for my midyears, i'm quite prepared. damage isn't excessive, but it could be less, i guess. anyway, for now, this will do. but the whipping back into place will start soon enough, i hope. i don't feel apologetic for anything, i just feel bad about it.

more so, i'm starting to see things in a slightly patchy light. really more of my own cynicism - i'm trying hard to push all that jargon out of my head. but then somehow, it's all so boring without sticking in a catty comment about someone during the day's mundane events.

i'll be taking a break from writing here for a while. not because of the exams or anything, but more so that things fall back into order. i feel that if i keep writing about the things that i'm not satisfied with, i'm recording my waylays. so, my writing shall be reserved for the more memorable moments.

for the next month, i can predict, it's not going to be a very smooth one. so i'm buckling my seatbelt and i'm taking it head-on (no matter how much i really just want to run away and jump straight into the holidays.)

i think i'm being brave about all of this in some manner, i'll take what comes my way for the time-being. but that doesn't mean it's a lost course. things are turning around, for what it's worth.

i can sort of feel it. it's faint, but i can.

nooo.

2008-04-20T23:21:00.001+08:00

my god, i'm so bored. life is SOOO boring, thank you and bye.

before i forget -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALIYA (busty)

i'm bored D:

bye. I DONT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOOOOL. oh, bye.

it makes me mad

2008-04-19T18:32:00.001+08:00

it makes me mad just thinking of the times i was denied the opportunity.

it makes me freaking mad that just because of the fact that i don't twirl my hair or make puppy eyed faces, i'm denied the opportunity.

freaking hell.

whatever, i'm off to study my ass off. because apparently i'm not doing that enough.

lolita

2008-04-17T21:21:00.003+08:00

as disturbing - or as complex, i have fallen in love with the story as i have fallen in love with the whitness of ones knuckles when they bend their fingers. it's like unveiling that white bone beneath - (breathes) it is quite fascinating.

quote .

do imagine me, for if you do not imagine me , i do not exist.

unquote.

it's almost like breaking little bits of powder into the air.
almost like making a wish - but when you open your eyes, you were asleep.
something so insignificant, so normal, so transfixed.

and call me weird if you like, but the smallest thing, an eyelash dropping off, is really something i would analyse. opposed to things like math or science, (please don't argue that an eyelash dropping off is scientific , because i don't care. and honest to god, if you spend your spare time calculating the actual speed of an eyelash dropping off , rather than observing the actual beauty of it, har har.)

i would analyse it. it's definitely more worth my time - opposed to trying to analyse anything with male genetalia.

really.

kinks in the pretty plush carpet

2008-04-17T19:08:00.003+08:00

i feel like crawling into a safe place, maybe taking a moment or two to slip away into some kind of safeguarded dream. i think i know how to define myself at this moment - a quitter. how come, i ask myself, i never stick to anything?

i was playing the piano from about 6 and i gave up soon after i turned 11, because i never tried hard enough. it's hard for me to even think about it, but it's the truth, and sometimes i just i wish i was capable of more. i don't know what i'm going to do with all these stupendous visions in my head, because i never seem to act upon them. they stay locked up, more of a possession that an actual action.

i'm a lazy ASS. i'm lazy and i give up and i underestimate and i don't try hard enough and i slack ever so much. i've lost my ability to prioritise, because APPARENTLY, to me right now, nothing on the top of my list is going to benefit me.

shit, maya. shit. i've never been so disappointed with myself. how could i lose sight of all the important things and actually risk so many things just to go bloody boy crazy? i don't think i actually know the retributions of my every damn thing i'm doing. why don't i ever learn? you'd think that when i screwed my psle, i'd understand, that when i screwed my streaming, i'd understand. but apparently my ass of a head, doesn't get it.

if i stop going boy crazy, stop trying to be a stupid bum and embarass myself, maybe i would be getting somewhere or making some kind of PROGRESS with my life right now. but apparently, my mind and screwed up self are not co-operating.

gaaaah. i'm going NUTS. i'm pissed. i'm mad.

and you call yourself a freaking friend? i don't know how to define you. the fact that you're in my class makes me want to puke. i don't want to even define you , it's just a matter of matching the polka dots. look, don't feel obliged to hang out with me, because it's obvious you're just doing it out of "being forced to". i don't want to be childish about this and be pissed at you, i'd like to talk it out. but obviously your opinions have gone missing. i don't get you.

shit. that's really just all i've got to say. if there's one person here to blame, it's me.

i've just got to stop with all this shit i'm throwing my way.

happy birthday ME !

2008-04-15T17:11:00.006+08:00

meet the clan

god given title, apart from busty, boobies and so on...(ew, aliya!)

meet meeta banana, zeebongs bicepshots and aqilah=) *I DONT HAVE A NICKNAME FOR YOU YET.

the ballloooooons, with notes on them .

meet meeta banana.

eih, got braces' number yet?
:D i love these people.
the one with the pink font on her shirt is a hazard hag please!

okay, so today was awesome. i got a g-string (yellow is not my colour and lace is not my material), a book, a few cards, perfume, chocolates, a necklace, lipgloss and notes ! haha, it was so adorable, all the presents. I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE who wished me, those who messaged me and those who bothered to give me gifts.

i had a great great great birthday, saturday's bombardment was hilarious and the presents i got are just adorable.

am i happy or what?

fahrenheit 451

2008-04-13T22:00:00.000+08:00

fahrenheit is not the overtly sexualised chinese band, by the way. it's a book, and it's pretty interesting - it's all about how paper burns. laugh at me now !

anyway , i'm going to blog about my birthday on my birthday itself =) it's really more auspicious that way. and guys I HAD FUN ! -jiggles butt.

i don't feel like falling asleep today, because this weekend was most definitely an exciting one. i don't feel like going back to school. chem is boring :/ i'm sorry. and for whoever who finds a particular teacher HOT , like EEE. if he were, how come half the class is asleep huuuuh zihan?

i can't wait to see manasa this week! ice-cream parlour, here i come. and let me tell you, i have stopped caring about my pimple breakouts! christina was so adorable, she gave me FACIAL masks! hahaha, cute please! really what i needed, my pores are so clogged up. but i'm hoping my face exudes all my oily food and becomes miraculously gawjusly poreless! (wish wish, ok)

okay so i'm happy. but i can't jump about in my room cos it's taken up by guests. -pouts. i hate sleeping in the living room - SO STUFFY OKAY. and in the night, it feels like somethings going to jump out of the balcony.

ok, i gotta run. cheers!

caramel high

2008-04-12T00:02:00.002+08:00

so, brillante was HOT .

it was fantastic, apart from the few technical faults, it was just awesome. i loved every single bit and the school spirit was sooooooaring ! first time in a couple of months that i'm seeing this - even last years brillante wasn't this united.

after the whole thing, darwita, aliya, atika, zihan, aqilah, meeta, darrel and i headed down to starbucks where my caramel thingy was pretty gross. so yeah, i wasn't satisfied. but it's okay, because now i actually have the energy to type this all out.

anyway - congratulations to EVERYONE who participated in brillante because you guys did an awesome job =)

now i shall sleep. bye !

ass

2008-04-08T18:32:00.001+08:00

i'm such a klutz. my sister's ipod is dead, thanks to me. i dropped it in a puddle of water. my fault and i'm going to die.

why am i always so clumsy, never ready for tests, always in a daze and always tired?

HAHAHA

2008-04-06T19:31:00.002+08:00

oh my god. all those days i felt like a miscreant, a loser, a poppy in a pop hole, those days were a total waste of time and energy. i feel like slapping myself on the head with a BIG FISH!

i'm laughing my ass off. those people who supposedly intimidated me? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

really, HA-HA-HA.

a better place to play.

2008-04-05T20:51:00.002+08:00

i tried to find a proper blogskin, hopefully something without hearts or bunnies (to suit my mood) but i failed. everything had something to with how you take my breath away or lala love or where's my prince?, so i was exasperated and without a choice i resorted to this plain white one. well, i suppose this skin is rather dignified in a blank way. i rather this than all the other puke-worthy jargon i seem to be coming across.

natasha and i spent an extra ten minutes in the classroom today and we were chatting with nina. i admit, i'm probably leaving act3 because i'm bored with the end results of only performing. i'm looking for a bit more, hopefully things that have more results - so natasha and i are probably gonna look out for other productions. it's pretty cool, the other productions out there, singing, acting and dancing - the triple deal. well i'll look around, hopefully something strikes my interest. for now, i'm hoping that the final performance is gonna be a good one.

spent the day after class in my aunt's house, on the patio floor, with a book that i was intending to read. but then i got waylaid and i started thinking about other things. i decided not to stop myself and ended up indulging in them. it's fun really, if you cut out all the nostalgia shit. it really is.

i remember the time my sister went with my dad to watch the phantom of the opera. it's sort of etched in me, that whole scene. and especially the song, it gets to me really often. i remember the time i cried my eyes out, when both my sister and brother left to go overseas. i remember staying over at my aunt's when they were away and i felt like i was a little princess - because finally everything was for me. i remember feeling like afiqah was going to be my best friend till death - only to end up never speaking to her again. i remember feeling like i wanted to murder my cousins and then feeling like an idiot because i cried infront of them, telling them that i was jealous.

i remember the things i would never have wanted to. but i'm thankful i do, i guess. they sort of make you think (not like i ever stop thinking of the most stupidest things.)

my gramma's friend once told me that my imagination would take me away to places.

but you see, the thing is, she never told me what kind of places. either the kind of place where money swells up in your eyes and you feel like the happiest person - or the kind of place where you wish you never imagined it in the first place.

nostalgia

2008-04-02T20:16:00.003+08:00

how did today turn into a disaster? i don't know, really.
but i want to apologise.

i'm sorry to my parents for being such a whiny thing, never really trying hard with anything.
i'm sorry to all those teachers out there who i'm constantly pissing off.
i'm terribly sorry to zihan, stephanie, meeta, darwita, syafiqah, athirah, aliya, shixian, elaine, edgar, chinna, sharifah, for constantly talking about a topic that has become annoying.
i'm sorry steph, about the whole situation today.

i'm sorry taahira, manasa and christina , for constantly over-talking topics too.

i'm sorry mr ng for NEVER paying attention.
i'm sorry sathesh, that during poa tuition, i'm not 100% there.
i'm sorry mr tan that i hardly bring my geog. worksheets.

i'm sorry thurston for being weird.
i'm sorry naufal for asking you questions that you didnt wanna answer.

i'm sorry i'm saying sorry but i just kind of had to.

i need self-discipline. if i keep trying to keep up with someone who's too far ahead, i'm going to lose everything that's important to me.

sure sure sure

2008-03-29T21:11:00.004+08:00

i know a look a bit..er..drunk here, but spare me.
it was tiring, the whole do-re-mi thing.

it's been awhile.
and i miss kindergarten very very much.

and i miss manasa too.
thank god for bus 31's, eh, manasa?
it's so funny how we were best friends back then,
and now we meet like 8 years later.
it's awesome!

never reduced by it

2008-03-23T22:08:00.001+08:00

i wish i could find people who just would fight me
and break through to me and hold me down
and scream their life into my face

devious

2008-03-21T20:20:00.003+08:00

i cringe at the thought of being an emotional wreck, which i am from time to time. but i praise my sense in not doing anything foolish, because i know that if i did, my mind would not keep still at any given time. so, i thank my inner self, for having enough sense to do the right thing.

i don't know what makes me grit my teeth in anger, or scream silently in my mind, but the anger fills me up so enormously that i can't explain the exact transition. it's like a slow pendulum, i start off being upset and then i get angry at then i start this revolution of hatred. i don't want to hate anything or anybody, because, what's the point? it's my damn energy, my outrage - which i'm not inflicting on anybody. so eventually, it just dies down within me, like a flickering weak flame. it's very much like gasping for air, despite the feeling that there's really no oxygen around me at all.

i much rather laugh this off, which i will, in good time.

life, i feel, lies between stasis and motion. it lies in the moment you are about to fall, as you walk, and catch your step and draw a breath. it is in the period of uncertainty, when you’re about to crash, but yet you have that chance to save yourself.

the moments you are static, still and unresponsive, you find the most rare gem in the universe - but you let it go, through your cynic thoughts. the moment you are live, desperate and counting the seconds to your blooming beauty, you get an empty plate.

so..it's a double edged sword, isn't it? either way, where do i get off telling people what to do, and where do they get off telling me what to do?

people are judgmental jarheads. not all, i must add, not all. just the very few who have their head in the sand and their feet underwater. in an anonymous pose, to prove to the world that their existence matters much more than someone of less significance.

and in that anonymous pose, i must add, they look foolish.

hah.

2008-03-19T19:04:00.002+08:00

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

alanis is a great artiste.

i have lost something , something somewhere.

i do not wish to be the one boo-hooing here.

--

let this end right here and right now.
i don't want to feel upset any longer over something as small (ironic) as you.
or over any other thing with male parts.

i'm done with it , i can confidently say.

i'm hell over it. i don't care.

:D

2008-03-16T19:17:00.002+08:00

lewis clinched the first grand prix of the SEASON :D

am i happy or what?

go lewis!

--
ok ok , moving on -
tomorrow there's school.
big bummer, because school ate up the holidays anyway.

the classroom's environment makes me want to sleep, most of the time.
the environment of the school actually.
but whatever.

gotta run! bye!

funk soul brother

2008-03-13T19:36:00.002+08:00

sheesh, tiring week. i've been traveling up and down , to and fro from school, town, home, school, town, home etc. but today i finally got a break, so i traveled down to the one-stop cafe and sheila and i downed a couple of frothy root beers. (i've been eating ALOT for the past few days. stress, i reckon. i need to tape my mouth shut for more than eating reasons.)

we sat there for about three hours straight, talking about the waiter whose boxers were hanging loose. but then we got bored, so we left and we decided to do sing at the taxi shelter, because it was empty and because it was fun.

i'm pretty content now, all my energy has been zapped out from today - so i'm going to rest. i'm going to need it, since i'll be dying due to the incessant hours of studying required for school in the next term.

--

the reading workshop/investiture was pretty cool.
i expected a whole load of weirdos, to be honest. but everybody was level-headed.
everybody was friendly, frank and there were so many smart people.
i mean, the eloquence of it all surprised me so much.

there was this temasek jc guy next to me who was nodding to what the lecturer was saying.
at first i was mildly annoyed, but then i thought-
wait, he's actually listening.
that's MUCH more than what i can say for my school.
and when they portrayed the 3 different languages,
chinese, malay and tamil, i have to admit that i held my breath when the indian lady spoke-
because i expected huge roars of laughter.
but nobody laughed in that room.
and then i realised that there are actually considerate, polite and nice teenagers around, but apparently in bedok green, very few people who respect other cultures exist.

well i'm tired now.

kthxbye.

you say im a bad friend, but when i ask you what's wrong , you never tell me. so uh- you're psycho.

bedangdangs!

2008-03-07T22:32:00.002+08:00

BLUE SKIES BABY!

i can feeeel the adrenaline.

-grins. i'm a happy smug bug right now.
i slapped the pavements with my espa sandal's, trying to catch the bus just now.
-still panting, still tired. running excites me
and makes me the world's sweatiest blob.

HURRAH.

and for the record, this holiday isn't really one, but it's alright, i don't really care.
as long as my saturday mornings and sunday mornings are no longer interrupted by tuitions, i am glad.

:D

monkey see, monkey do.

2008-03-05T19:23:00.002+08:00

it's not like i don't want to be happy and bubbly and carefree most of the time. it's not like i can't help being pissed off , because i can. of course, i can steer my emotions into a perfectly happy direction, i can certainly do that. but i don't really want to do that right now, i don't feel like cheering myself up, or giving myself a pat on the back.

i want to be a little shit and feel bad and moan and bitch about everything in life right now. i want to tell myself that school is not okay, that some people are selfish and hollow and make weird noises with their empty skulls. that today, i dropped a chunk of my garlic bread onto the floor and sat by to watch it get crushed by 3 people simultaneously. and then it just lay there, sad and crushed and in crumbs.

and oh boy, did i feel like that chunk of garlic bread.

i'm not wallowing in any form of self pity - i am just genuinely at a loss. i wish this phase of my life could have gone a bit better, you know? the grass is always greener, yes it is. i just wish that maybe i would have done things in a nicer, more pleasant way. sometimes being yourself is frightening, though there is alot of jargon out there on how "being yourself" is the best thing. no, in some cases, it is like chugging a bottle of poison and then never getting it out.

i'm sorry if i freaked you out , or if you're terribly disgusted, or if simply, you don't care. i'm just being a typical teenage girl, doing typical stupid things. i'm sorry if i'm interfering in anyway, with anything in your life, like your ego, or your image or whatever it is you have on your mind. i'm not made out of clay, i do have feelings, incase you're unaware of that.

and the 3D girls, whatever. and next time you decided to pluck your eyebrows till they are NON-EXISTENT, think again. you look like Sonya Lamor gone wrong.

i wonder when school decided to get this bad? i wonder when being in a school which has camouflage worthy uniforms, was so torturous. i wonder when sticking up for your friends was a bad thing - and when friends were incapable of doing so. i wonder when being myself was a sin, though it indefinitely is right now. i wonder how people find the time to make fun of others, when there are infinite better things to do.

i marvel at how people are branded friends. i don't know the definition.

since everything is bailing on me right now, i feel perfectly content , with the idea of sleep. if nothing will elude me from this hell hole, slumber will.

goodnight all. i'll return, possibly in a much better mood.

school. ee school.

2008-03-04T11:07:00.002+08:00

i'm in school now. GUESS WHAT? MY SPINE IS STRAIGHT. i'm so glad. i won't be a hunchback. but i still have doubts because, how if it re-curves? i'm scared. okay, thinking too much. but it's true! i'm so afraid.

*crosses fingers.

i have maths in a while. i hate the lessons, so super boring. and later today there's poa tuition and i can't find the book. why am i so unprepared? D:

math SUCKS - not just the subject. everything about it. i may be such a sore bruise right now, but until i pass math i may not like it. but to pass math i have to like it, am i right? :/

I DIGRESS - I DON'T WANNA BE SHORT. i want to grow more and more and more and more. i want to be average. i'm only 1.62 cm, i'm going to die! everyone is taller than meeeee. ): give me the strenght (literally) TO GROW PLEASE.

-faints.

i hate school, trust me. everyfuckingthing about it.

whatever,dude.

2008-03-03T18:54:00.002+08:00

time really does fly, but i really can't wait for my birthday this year. 15 seems like such a chaotic yet serene number.

anyway, school today was boring - but then i got around to looking at the 2006 yearbook thing and i got a bit nostalgic. i remember just how much i used to hate Opera Estate, but now, i'm not as bitter about it. (didn't say i'm not bitter at ALL, because i still am.) maybe i won't hate bedok green as much when i get out either? or maybe i will. who knows, whatever *shrugs*. i doubt i'll bother much. i'm looking forward much more, than i'm looking backward.

so yeah, i need a pitchfork for poa, because i have no idea what in the world is going on in that class. and my only form of salvation is my tutor, so thank claude. so during poa, i'm pretty much trying to make sense of the teacher's shorts, or trying to understand everything else.

i read stephanie's blog, it made so much sense when she wrote about how that was confusing her. i think you know what i'm talking about, right? i totally relate. i mean, we're sort of in this boat together, but then it's okay. you're not alone, i'm just as confused with the same thing. sucks, i know.

gosh. if things were as easy to figure out as they were to get upset over, i'd be one happy camper.

and i'm getting effing SHORT. i don't know, it's my scoliosis. i have such bad posture. i'm scared i'll end up hunched-back. im not kidding :'( what if i just shrink. holy shit, i need calcium.

i wanna drink to the shit that is school.

[LOOK, dont get me wrong, i appreciate my education and blah de blah de blah ... but sometimes, geez, people suck.]

trade rules, switch sides

2008-02-28T20:18:00.002+08:00

it's so ... i don't know the WORD that compasses the meaning of this feeling.
it's like, i don't really know what i'm doing, you know?
i've been floating through the weeks for as long as ever, trying to make some sense out of school.
i think i finally have - i'm not flunking or anything and i don't feel like i'm neglecting anything
that's highly important anymore. i do feel like i'm accomplishing something and i'm glad.

but holy crap, these girls from 3D, gosh. SHUT UP WILL YOU? i've just about had enough, i seriously don't even know how to freaking reply to you guys, because when i say something back, i get mocked again. so if you find something highly amusing about the name M-A-Y-A and the most fucking witty thing you can come up with is the word, AYAM, to make fun of me, holy shit, you guys are the most pathetic bunch i've seen in my life. get a life, and while you're at it, why not add on a brain, a conscience AND a mouth-filter? i'm not going to elaborate further, because my temper's on sizzle mode. how in the world do you retaliate to these...people?

i'm frustrated, of course i am. i'm frustrated at the fact that people have absolutely no lives to focus on, but instead are looking to annoy me. the fact that i ended up somewhere here in between "jean claude" and nasi lemak makes me want to fall flat and regurgitate whatever i've learned from lyrics, books or movies. i want to tell myself i've actually learned something from my torturous stay in this school, instead of telling myself that i can't wait for the time when i step out of the school, holding a sheet of paper that certifies my dignified exit.

anyway - :

zihan and i went into the boys toilet not too long ago and it's not really fair how the urinals are on display and how the toilet is fairly much bigger. i just don't understand why the urinals are OUTSIDE? like in full view of the world, so the boys can compare their, um, sizes? why can't the urinals be neatly placed in cubicals too? won't that be more, well, LESS, embarrassing? unless, of course, boys are perfectly fine with their tushes being on display.

and boys who do NOT have chiseled chests, wow i really salute you guys for displaying your chests even though you may have man boobs or weird things like that. i'm not criticizing here, as much of a bitch as i may sound. i just wanna guffaw loudly sometimes how you do the whole BAYWATCH run in front of the world, when, the world is 1) not present and 2) laughing because there's nothing much better to do.

in 2006, february, i was in the same position of which i am in now. and same goes for february 2007. february really isn't my month. i scold myself for being a tart without any make up or push up bras, i scold myself for being such a loose cell, i scold myself for jumping through the hoops without any proper thought. i scold myself because i am capable of re-ordering things in my head, to help make sense of those things. i'm sorry that i'm sorry, because i shouldn't be. what i did WAS NOT wrong in any sense and really don't care what you think anymore.

gems are so hard to find.

much better now.

2008-02-25T21:05:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling considerably better now.
after bawling a certain amount, yup, i do.
it's the best relief there is.

now i must try and be a good student *yuck.
i must try and actually ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING , yo?
i must actually make an attempt at paying attention.

GOSH i much rather be a naked gnome running around madison square!
but it's okay, if i don't want to be working in ang mo kio, i better pay attention.
and no matter how much i feel that some teachers are painfully ANNOYING -
no matter how much i want to stab them with my 4B pencils, i shall persevere.

coughs. you know, it's not as easy as you think.
i feel really tired half the time, god knows due to what!
i think i have no .. er.. energy cells? if that's what you call it.
i don't have that extra adrenaline , like i'm stagnant that way.

eee. i'm bored to the SHIZ.

STAB ME WITH SCHOOL EQUIPMENT.

if i wasn't so mentally weirded out right now, i'd actually be sane.

i dont know.

2008-02-24T21:58:00.003+08:00

just maybe, i don't know anymore.

how easy it is to lose any sort of trust you had, or any sort of faith you had

in humanity. how easy it is for someone to leave you behind.

i'm not saying i've never hurt somebody before.

maybe i've done it loadsa times, i'm certainly a bitch for that.

but then there are the times when you never expect someone to treat

you this way, but they do.

the worst kinds of assholes are the ones who don't even dare say it to your face.

trust me, i'd rather someone tell me to my face then do all this behind my back.

it's not easy to see yourself losing some kind of "friendship".

but then again, it isn't a friendship at all.

how darn easy it is for someone to point out all your flaws, behind your back.

how easy, isn't it?

maybe it was the fact that i was honest with you.

so painfully honest with you that you knew i was angry at you.

but then you couldn't bear to share that same honesty.

it's all about putting up that fake front, isn't it?

*laughs.

look, i just cannot be bothered anymore.

have it your way.

but there's one thing i know.
any sort of belief i had in you?

gone.

now are you sure you want a piece of me?

2008-02-19T19:25:00.002+08:00

OH GOD i swear, something's wrong with me.
i've dropped into moderate dysfunction into serious dysfunction.
i don't even know what's going on.
i blame hormones, i blame those putrid bastards in my body.

they're ruining my LIFE!
i've got to stop being so emotional , because obviously it's not benefiting
ANYBODY, except for um, my hormones.

i really shouldnt fucking care about THESE THINGS.
GOD, im stupid im stupid im stupid!
i need a BIG SLAP, i need to open up my eyes and smell the bullshit.

THIS, my friend, isn't going anywhere.
so maya, I SUGGEST you do better things with your sec 3 life.
NOW.

this is amusing . (No, not really) but it is anyhow.
i don't need this trauma, i don't need to be such a fucking drama queen.
this is the problem with theatre, it's influenced my life so much.
so that i seem to keep making small
UNIMPORTANT matters into big shit.
and i'm neglecting the important shit.

OH GOD. oh god oh god oh god.

im in such a panicky state,i just need to write all this down.
i hate myself for what's happened. because it's my fault.
i've been living in fantasy island, a book on my lap with my kit-kat bars.
not to mention my massive weight gain.

OH GOD.

i keeeep saying oh god.
cos, yes, i'm trying to pray myself out of this, though i need to shut up about it as well.
my life isn't going anywhere good, if i don't start up with my work.
because i'm becoming a little shit head.
the leftovers of my so called functioning organs that's been in my skull for the past 15 years or so, is turning to mush.
yes. and i've only got myself to blame.

my fucking fault.

im going to crawl into a hole now.

aaaaaaaaah cheebs la .

hope i get out of this.

closer.

2008-02-17T00:00:00.002+08:00

happy birthday, stranger.

there is no reason to be unhappy

2008-02-15T23:54:00.002+08:00

ball of sunshine lights my eyes

into fire, into fire

i see clearly, with just a smudge of reality out of my way.

but sometimes, too much fantasy is a bad bad bitch.

(:

kthxbye!

can you help me unravel my latest mistake?

2008-02-13T18:59:00.004+08:00

cos you cant jump the track, we're like cars on a cable.

to know that someone or anyone underestimates you, wow. what a blow, huh?
it took a while for it all to settle in.

i would like to say something smart all the time, or be just perfectly aligned.
i would like to know when and what to say.
i would like to have it all figured out.

but the thing is - i dont know these things.

there's the beautiful, the successful and the smart.
and if i'm not any of these things, it makes me think of my existing species.

i'm so much in an inferiority complex right now.
i don't need the pity song or anything.
i just need to get this figured out soon enough, and learn to breathe.

i see one and then i see two and then i see three.
and then i realise, all the three don't see me.

i'm laughing at myself.

-you were 20,000 underneath the sea.

some people are only so lucky.

2008-02-07T18:26:00.000+08:00

some people are lucky that way, huh?

it's a gift, i do believe. i do believe that it's the greatest gift on earth. and well, i've got to wait and see if i'll ever get it at all.

it really is the most horrible thing on earth to stand there, feeling inferior to someone who you shouldn't be feeling inferior next to.

it's horrible when it's some kind of growing trend amongst everyone and i'm sitting here feeling like i'll never get to know what it feels like. :/

but manasa's right though, it's only the place we're in. it's true -

budapest's beauty shall meet my overwhelming grief one day, to make me gloriously happy. (:

2008-01-29T19:30:00.000+08:00

ITS MY 400th POST.

my brother had memories.
my sister too.

i know it's my turn now.

hey you lazy bastard, turn around-

fuck you all

2008-01-28T19:25:00.000+08:00

i dont want to even think about the fucked up emotions and people -

so i won't.

there's a line in Waking Life, which wyafer pointed out, "the trick is to remain in constant departure, saves you on introductions and goodbyes."

it's easier to be yourself isn't it? even if you're a damned loner, or even if you teeth glow in the dark - or even if you're one of those people on the streets without direction. it's just freaking easier than trying so hard to fit in , trying so hard to please people who aren't any more superior to you.

it started getting tough after a while, so i've given up.

sometimes you'll never know who will come along during your times of need, sometimes you'll
never know who ends up forgetting how to spell your name.

cartoon motion

2008-01-23T22:13:00.001+08:00

ups and downs - goods and bads.

i'm on a daily high, but then my energy dips.

i'm deeply saddened by heath ledger's death - heavy hearted.

10 things i hate about you was an anthem movie.
it made so much sense.

R.I.P Heath Ledger.

plath

2008-01-22T21:40:00.000+08:00

sylvia plath. she's amazing, an amazing writer.

I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

Clouds pass and disperse.
Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?
Is it for such I agitate my heart?

I am incapable of more knowledge.
What is this, this face
So murderous in its strangle of branches? ----

Its snaky acids kiss.
It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults
That kill, that kill, that kill.

--

i read some place that kurt cobain's widowed wife, courtney love, she was rejected from the mickey mouse club because she read a poem by sylvia plath.
it makes me want to laugh - that one of the best pieces of literature out there
was actually denied by a club that produced the psycho types like britney.

*coughs-.

poetry gets so intimate sometimes, it scares me.

it seems more intertwined than that of an unexpected kiss, or the most complicated arrangement of veins, etched deep within a person's body.

-the gorgeous strength of words.

conversation is everything.

bitch ville.

2008-01-21T19:31:00.000+08:00

i missed school today, due to screening. sometimes i just want to slap myself for sitting up straight. i don't know what sort of creature i'm trying to imitate, but my body movements and positions always end up a bit off. but i always feel comfortable in those positions, opposed to sitting upright and feeling stifled. i'm a bit worried i'll end up a 60 year old woman with severe arthritis. i doubt any guy would want someone who spends all days counting how many toes she's got , (or got left, after 60 years of mayhem) just because she can't look back up anymore. that would just be frightening.

whatever. anyway.

i watched transamerica yesterday - indie films are the way to go, trust me. opposed to seeing brad pitt fly across the cinema screen, exposing his "goods". yeah well, felicity huffman was a work of art. and kevin zegers? (silent scream) i know, i'm only a teeny bopper, so i can afford to say this, with my dignity intact. kevin zegers, hot. he was also a work of art in it's a boy/girl thing. is it just me, or does he keep acting in all these bisexual roles? *shrugs*. he does a good enough job with them anyways.

i got hamilton's book. i thought i would be happier, like i would scream at the bus shelter or something. but i'm pretty neutral about it. it's like, oh, okay, i've got his book. now what? maybe he isn't as much of a good writer - as much as i thought he would be. but well, writing obviously isn't his niche, racing is. but i just felt that his autobiography would have been a job well done if it were written by someone more...accomplished, writing-wise. he probably wrote it on his own, in hopes of it being more "personal". it did work, in some sense. but yeah...it wasn't...it wasn't up to par, on an autobiographical scale.

i don't really feeeel like i want to even go back to school. it's funny how i thought secondary three would be some mass operation in change. not even close!

i keep anticipating some point in my life, like for example, when i turn 15.

and then when i do, i anticipate my 16th. it's vicious crap! i mean, can this cycle be broken?

*sniggers. it's pretty funny how that happens. i wonder how i'll feel like, ten years down the road. because honestly, right now, i can't wait for all that liberty. (even if it comes with bills, bastards and bosses.) but i know, for a fact, that i'll feel differently when i'm 25.

positivity

2008-01-19T21:07:00.000+08:00

been spending my days by my faltering lamp trying to ,

a) finish a highly complicating novel.
b)figure out why their opinions affect me so much.
c)miraculously lose weight by watching work out tapes.

the first one is definitely accomplishable, the second one is forgettable and the third one is just impossible.

i don't think it mattered that much to me before, until up to some point, when it did. i don't know why their stupid mutters and stares affect me so much. i just got a bad slap in the face, because apparently all my pseudo-"oh my god, he hates me" rants ended up in the pit. apparently i have no existence, (HARHAR) and he doesn't know who i am.

way to go, with the emotional (invisible) baggage huh? worrying about something that's just a one sided thing. all this while i was so annoyed because i thought i was an annoyance. now i'm laughing at myself because i wasn't an annoyance, i wasn't anybody. and i was so bloody affected by it! trust me, i've never felt more ridiculous in my life.

i let some minute, insignificant matter have an enormous impact on my life for the past two years. i let it annoy me, i let it disgust me, i let it drive me nuts. and now - when i see that it wasn't even the case, i didn't even really exist, apart from that 2 minutes of humiliation back in 2006- i feel like i want to guffaw so loudly. i want to LET MY BRAIN HEAR that i have been astonishingly dumb.

i really haven't. but now, all those feelings have just left me. for some time i felt like i was going to implode with all those emotions building up - but now, i just want to laugh about it. it's funny, even to myself, how i could let myself go that low, to think that i wasn't literate enough for a dimwit.

i have great people around me and i was so upset because some moron failed to be nice? or failed to remember what happened? *chuckles*. i'm stupid at the best of times, shan't let this be a problem anymore.

-flutter away, fuck (:

-fin,really, this time, FIN.

on a more cheerful note -

i love the art of noise, it's classic work.

i see a passionate violinist with incense sticks somewhere in a great novel, which i am going to finish now. yes. with a wonderful cuppa cocoa;

fucking bad days

2008-01-15T18:49:00.000+08:00

today, azmina and i ran in the rain. i'd like to say it was fun, but OMG, it was horrible! my culottes flew like everywhere and my umbrella bent inwards.
and i could feel like little critters *gross, i know* flying into my culottes.
it was just like i was in some weird action movie.
we kept screaming like lunatics.
and our luck, wow, our luck! the MOMENT, the exact damned MOMENT, we stepped out of tamil class, was when it started raining.
and the exact damned MOMENT we stepped into the bus, it stopped.
it was just so annoying.
singapore's weather sucks, it's so tropical and so annoying.
i said annoying twice, ya la ! SO ANNOYING.

i hate the rain, i only like it when i'm home and as snug as a bug.
(:

-there is absolutely no way i'm going to weather this on my own.

there is just no way i'm going to feel sane through all of this.

i'm waiting for a breakthrough, i'm praying that it comes some day.

because how much longer do i feel like this.

i've gone through hurdles of the same situation-

yet, why does this moment, feel like the most suppressing?

why does this moment feel like the hardest yet?

it's not easy, granted. and i'm trying so hard.

but i need a break, i really do.

i hate to sound like some depressed case.
i'm far far far away from that ! [;
it's just that the last couple of days, HECK, weeks have been a bit unsettling, to say the least.

hormones, heartaches and headaches.

the most murderous accomplices.

YAY-IES

2008-01-14T19:53:00.000+08:00

meeta and i made a bet *

MEETA, bet ah !

okays, so anyway, - i dont want to be pessimistic, but i need to say this.

today was horrible, in a series of unfortunate events.

TAAHIRA, like WTH would i do without you, on days like this? (:
and i'm sorry i sms you at like totally ungodly *school-like ungodly* hours.
like when you're prolly in the middle of some chem test.
i'm a whiny little miscreant, but thank youuu for the extra 3573045 ears.

ZIHAN&MEETA.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
all my weirdo ramblings about youknowwhat and youknowwho,
*ehem,ehem*
sorry ! i can't help it (:
but thank you also. cos it's damn funny how you guys tolerate my booboo days.

my blog's dead you know.
really.
because my life's not interesting anymore - NEVER really was . -pouts.
you know what i want? i want a darn hot lewis hamilton to fly into singapore.

taa, lewis is pretty exceptional (:
and my standards are pretty normal hokay!
i consider him pretty fly for a brit guy!

i keep writing about my boring life. dont fall asleep.
this is my ranting ground.
i'm 14 (fifteen soon, please?) and i'm boring.
deal with it bastards!

some teachers are pretty annoyed with me,
why exactly, i have no idea.
but i'm damn FURNIE in class okay,
especially with zeebongalongs!
we're the dynamic duo.
YUH-UH!

and MR TAN is damn cool !
omg, he's the best-est, can?
i never get bored during his lessons.
i wish everyday was just incessant periods of geography!
and besides, isn't geography 3/4's pure subject?
so why the hell are we having hour after hour of mind-killing poa?
explanation please?

mr tan cc the coolie !

haha!
- i have just discovered natasha's guilty pleasure.
i shall be nice and i shall not tell.

i miss samira shah, you know.
and sameer ashraff.
and this is crazy - but i miss mrs joseph!

i'm going to feed my stomach. byebye!

i've been away

2008-01-04T20:29:00.000+08:00

if i talk about emotional rollercoasters right now, i'd never stop. and on some level, i want to make myself stop dwelling over things that are supposed to be in the fucking past. i don't know at what point i got fed up with myself, but i'm pretty sure that i still am - and will continue to be that way until i get to the bottom of all of this.

*I SHALL SHAKE MYSELF UNTIL MY PESSIMIST ATTITUDE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW.

blogspot is not motivational, what a way to get boring.

things have been better, way better than before and for a good period of time i have been smiling. this isn't to say that i love all my agitators, this is just to say that i have forgotten them.

i have forgotten everything bad, everything stupid, everything pressurizing. and if i stand up and puke on my shoes - so be it. i'm pretty sure the smell will knock me out anyway.

i have forgotten you, you and you. i have forgotten my defeatist attitude, i have forgotten the little furrow that was etched so deep onto my forehead.

i have remembered to freaking smile - i have remembered to laugh. and i have remembered all my favourite aromas and places. and most importantly, i have remembered all my favourite people.

i don't see the point in being around you anymore.

the only way you existed in my life was to make me feel insecure and unworthy of myself and i'm GLAD i've told you off, i'm glad i've told you exactly how i feel and i'm glad you've been wiped off the surface of the earth. i'm so glad i told you in person exactly what an ignoramus you are. i'm glad we no longer speak because i have nothing to say to you. that MSN conversation was the last we ever had and it's been three weeks since we've spoken. let's keep it that way.

but then again there have been fantastic people around me -

and for their support, i so cant thank them enough! :) i love you guys.

john mayer has nice tattoos.
my braces hurt like hell.

kthxbye.