i feel so overwhelmed right now. how come life can't just come to a standstill and why can't i just - for ONE DAY- be whisked away on a fairy train, with an ample supply of chocolates and marshmallows?

something in my head keeps telling me that i'm not alone. but how come, ultimately, i feel that i am? though technically i'm in this world with billions of other people, i feel alone. not lonely, that's different. i just feel alone. like a singular floating particle, with no attachments to me. yes, i do have my family for now, but they won't last forever, right?

right now i'm so anxious. i keep thinking i screwed up my cca points, i keep thinking about "what if, what if". i'm furious at the fact that i keep screwing up my tests. i'm upset at the thought of coming across someone so alike me, but being pushed away. i am disappointed at myself for being a horrible daughter. i feel like i'm floating - not ever part of something. never attached to any other particle. just a solitary object.

for once maybe i'd like a change. a little opening, someone with open arms, maybe a smiling face. maybe for once i don't have to try so hard. but then i realise, yes, i'm not alone in this struggle. but the peculiar thing is - while everyone is struggling for this "acceptance", they are, at the same time, pushing the struggler away. which then turns into another vicious cycle.

it just really puzzles me. really.

there's also never any progression in relationships or friendships. it's always stationary, at least to me. you can do absolutely anything - maybe something exceptionally extraordinary - and yet, that might go totally unnoticed.

or maybe i'm being pessimistic here. i don't know.

i just really want to feel that amazing moment of bliss that i will regret losing. that i will want to have forever, yet will never have forever.

it's so hard to put into words. yet i yearn for it so much. yet i can't let go of this humongous anxiety and anger and frustration that's been bottled up in me. i'm ready to let go of it all.