Wednesday, May 21, 2008
" gorgeous ; 8:32 PM "
i think people are the most beautiful and the most themselves when they are asleep. like they've revisited their infancy and are floating in it for a bit, untouchable. it's so pretty, i wish i could watch people. but then i'd be called a psycho scary bitch, so i'll just wait for a tolerable man to let me do that.
my father keeps urging me to write more and to send stuff into competitions like i used to. i want to, but something's holding me back. i know i haven't written as much as before. not because of distaste or boredom, like i had with piano, but more of the lack of events taking place in my life right now. no inspiration. but that is bullshit, you know. i do have alot happening in my life, but if i do put it out there, i'm afraid of critique. shit, that's not the way it's supposed to be, is it?
potential. this is the word i keep hearing. yes, i do have potential. and yes, i have been letting unimportant things get in the way. ever heard of crossroads? well if i'm having one now, at 15, then heck yeah. potential is going to be shot across the highest boundary. i feel inspired to grow, but i feel scared too. i feel like i regret things like quitting piano instead of sticking to it. but when i think about it, i'd rather to something i love, then stick around just to please everyone else. i'm scared to have regrets, so i want to do things right from this point. but you know, i also want to avoid the whole OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER thing. perfectionists really scare me. but the twisted thing is , they inspire me to become a bit more organised and cut off just before becoming a perfectionist.
i'm just waiting for friday to come. to hear that last bell, to go home, to sit down and think for a while.