i feel like crawling into a safe place, maybe taking a moment or two to slip away into some kind of safeguarded dream. i think i know how to define myself at this moment - a quitter. how come, i ask myself, i never stick to anything?

i was playing the piano from about 6 and i gave up soon after i turned 11, because i never tried hard enough. it's hard for me to even think about it, but it's the truth, and sometimes i just i wish i was capable of more. i don't know what i'm going to do with all these stupendous visions in my head, because i never seem to act upon them. they stay locked up, more of a possession that an actual action.

i'm a lazy ASS. i'm lazy and i give up and i underestimate and i don't try hard enough and i slack ever so much. i've lost my ability to prioritise, because APPARENTLY, to me right now, nothing on the top of my list is going to benefit me.

shit, maya. shit. i've never been so disappointed with myself. how could i lose sight of all the important things and actually risk so many things just to go bloody boy crazy? i don't think i actually know the retributions of my every damn thing i'm doing. why don't i ever learn? you'd think that when i screwed my psle, i'd understand, that when i screwed my streaming, i'd understand. but apparently my ass of a head, doesn't get it.

if i stop going boy crazy, stop trying to be a stupid bum and embarass myself, maybe i would be getting somewhere or making some kind of PROGRESS with my life right now. but apparently, my mind and screwed up self are not co-operating.

gaaaah. i'm going NUTS. i'm pissed. i'm mad.

and you call yourself a freaking friend? i don't know how to define you. the fact that you're in my class makes me want to puke. i don't want to even define you , it's just a matter of matching the polka dots. look, don't feel obliged to hang out with me, because it's obvious you're just doing it out of "being forced to". i don't want to be childish about this and be pissed at you, i'd like to talk it out. but obviously your opinions have gone missing. i don't get you.

shit. that's really just all i've got to say. if there's one person here to blame, it's me.

i've just got to stop with all this shit i'm throwing my way.