it's not like i don't want to be happy and bubbly and carefree most of the time. it's not like i can't help being pissed off , because i can. of course, i can steer my emotions into a perfectly happy direction, i can certainly do that. but i don't really want to do that right now, i don't feel like cheering myself up, or giving myself a pat on the back.

i want to be a little shit and feel bad and moan and bitch about everything in life right now. i want to tell myself that school is not okay, that some people are selfish and hollow and make weird noises with their empty skulls. that today, i dropped a chunk of my garlic bread onto the floor and sat by to watch it get crushed by 3 people simultaneously. and then it just lay there, sad and crushed and in crumbs.

and oh boy, did i feel like that chunk of garlic bread.

i'm not wallowing in any form of self pity - i am just genuinely at a loss. i wish this phase of my life could have gone a bit better, you know? the grass is always greener, yes it is. i just wish that maybe i would have done things in a nicer, more pleasant way. sometimes being yourself is frightening, though there is alot of jargon out there on how "being yourself" is the best thing. no, in some cases, it is like chugging a bottle of poison and then never getting it out.

i'm sorry if i freaked you out , or if you're terribly disgusted, or if simply, you don't care. i'm just being a typical teenage girl, doing typical stupid things. i'm sorry if i'm interfering in anyway, with anything in your life, like your ego, or your image or whatever it is you have on your mind. i'm not made out of clay, i do have feelings, incase you're unaware of that.

and the 3D girls, whatever. and next time you decided to pluck your eyebrows till they are NON-EXISTENT, think again. you look like Sonya Lamor gone wrong.

i wonder when school decided to get this bad? i wonder when being in a school which has camouflage worthy uniforms, was so torturous. i wonder when sticking up for your friends was a bad thing - and when friends were incapable of doing so. i wonder when being myself was a sin, though it indefinitely is right now. i wonder how people find the time to make fun of others, when there are infinite better things to do.

i marvel at how people are branded friends. i don't know the definition.

since everything is bailing on me right now, i feel perfectly content , with the idea of sleep. if nothing will elude me from this hell hole, slumber will.

goodnight all. i'll return, possibly in a much better mood.